The Wholehearted Journey is not the path of least resistance. It's' a path of consciousness and choice. – Brene Brown1
Good Morning. I am Janine Seadler, a member of this Fellowship.
It is so amazing to be here today and to share this time with you. I am especially grateful that so many of my special people
are here with us today. I want to talk about the work of Brene Brown. She is a writer and social worker research professor at the University of Houston, College of Social work. She is a thought leader on vulnerability, courage, worthiness and shame. They aren't words we hear very often, are they?
She calls herself a research story teller and she has been collecting stories for 12 years.
Our son John introduced me to her in December before he left to fly back to Colorado. He said Mom, you gotta watch her TED talk!
He said she talks about vulnerability—you know that feeling when you ask someone out on a date and you wonder if you will get a no or a yes. That kind of vulnerability.
Yeah I do know that kind of vulnerability but it isn’t something you expect to hear from your 23 year old son.
Since that time, of watching her first TED talk titled, Power of Vulnerability, Brene Brown has been a major part of my life: our Journaling Group has done an intensive book club on her book: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. I have shared it with my dear friends Andrea and Val and I have given it to my family members as gifts. And in fact if you are with me more than 10 minutes I will ask you if you have heard of Brene Brown.
So why does she touch me so…? Well I think she gets me.
She says things like: I come out of my skin if I am not always going and staying busy.
Oh I got that one down—got a committee I’m on it, have an auction that needs a chair I’ve done it, sign me up, count on me, I’m your girl. Until I’m not that one anymore because I can’t physically catch up to myself.
After a long time of raising a family, teaching full time and living far in the country, I took early retirement. That did not mean things slowed down or even improved. Instead I cared for dad while he was dying, packed a son up to move 3000 miles away and moved three times in two years. My life and my soul had come undone. And it was then that I have an open heart to hear what Brene Brown had to say.
One of the major things Brene stresses is having self-compassion, taking care of ourselves. Not giving ourselves away to things that are negative or unworthy of our care and attention.
I haven’t been very good at self-care.
I called a friend of mine two weeks ago, I was in agony with brutal nerve pain from fibromyalgia and she said what are you doing for self-care? And I thought and I thought and then I said Nothing.
She said: Well…. I remember that I told you a few weeks ago:
You were not going to get better unless you slowed down
and you told me that slowing down was not an option.
I was embarrassed to remember that I had indeed not only said that but believed it. But I don't believe it anymore. I have several auto-immune diseases that are a direct result of the terrible stress I have put my body through in the last few years and as recently as this morning. I couldn’t get out of bed because of the nerve pain exasperated by recent stress about my mother’s health.
Another thing I have learned recently is to say Who Cares?
Not about important things that we need to care about like friendship and loyalty and faith and our earth. But silly things like whether I fold the towels the way we did at home or whether I mix gold and silver jewelry on the same day or if someone is going to catch me in the store with these sweat pants! Last Sunday I went to the gym and I rode the stationary bike for a half hour and listened to a TED Talk by Susan Clark. She is a minister who discussed Whole Hearted Living. But then I laid on the mat and closed my eyes and listened to my breath and was quiet. I thought maybe I should be exercising, What will people think? Or maybe it is okay to lay here and listen to something inspirational instead of watching that show where they rehab houses. Let’s face it: No one cares what I am doing at the gym.
Brene Brown says: When I let go of trying to be everything to everyone, I had much more time, attention love and connection for the important people in my life.
One of the important people in my life is the elderly woman that I am a companion for. She is 84 and lives alone. I am with her for 6-8 hours a day. Every morning when we sit down for breakfast she asks me all kinds of questions: Did Paul find his hearing aids? Did your son get home from Texas? Now how is your mother doing? And I tell her stories of how Hazel Hopkins put purple ribbons on my auction hat and the man is coming to power wash the house and I hope he doesn’t kill my flowers. And how I am actually going on a trip to Colorado by myself to see our son John. She knows my stories. She doesn’t always know my name but she knows my stories. Paul says I am her entertainment center. And you know when she doesn’t remember my name she calls me Honey—well that is okay by me. Isn’t it nice to be someone’s honey?
She is connected to me. And I know her stories, and her girls and how happy her great grandchildren make her.
But the most important thing she has taught me is that she has made me kinder and much more sensitive to my mother. Now I call my mom every day. Now I tell my mom my stories. Last night, when she came home from the hospital and she was still in pain because of her extreme arthritis, and I asked her how she was, she said I am not fine! So I let her vent about how frustrated she feels and how the pain hasn’t gone away. And then she said I shouldn’t vent on you
and I said: who else do we have?
And she said You are right.
My sister-in -aw Linda, calls this time with our elderly parents: filling up your memory bucket. I have a great deal of gratitude for a job that is so life giving and has taught me so many worthy lessons.
And another thing I have learned is I am enough. How often do we feel like we are enough? That when we put our heads on the pillow at night do we say to ourselves: Wow what a great job you did today being a fabulous talented human being who spread love and joy and compassion all over! No! what I say to myself is: Why didn’t you get the kitchen floor cleaned? Did you say the wrong thing again? Where is your phone, your glasses, your mouth guard? When are you ever going to get organized! I’m trying to stop those nasty negative messages and replace them with the words from the poem Vince read: Our Deepest Fear. Who are you not to be gorgeous and fabulous and brilliant? Because who aren’t we to be! Aren’t we all gorgeous and fabulous and brilliant?
I know you have all seen someone whose life is lonely because of disconnections. Maybe they are at odds with their family, maybe they just broke up with their special love, or maybe they are 15 and can’t stand their lives waiting until they can drive. We all know someone who is adrift without a tribe or a team or a strong family. Those could be young teens, millennials, that weird age of 50 when so many people are being downsized out of their jobs or an elderly person whose hearing is going and doesn’t always remember your name. Yes you know individuals like this but what can you do? Well we can start right here at our Fellowship to build connections.
So think about being here in this room—how can you foster connections? How do you approach the unfamiliar face or the person you always walk by and never say hi? How do you reach out to the stranger? I remember that years ago Deb Cruise answered that question for me she said ask someone How do you fill your days?
I like that—not what do you do for a living? When maybe someone is out of work or where did you go to school, when maybe they didn’t finish high school. How do you fill your days? And another suggestion I have learned from a dear friend here is when someone does mention something about themselves, their job, their reason for coming here today or their recent trip to camp, Say Tell me more.
Wow.
Or how about asking someone if they would like to see the rest of the building or visit our fabulous gardens. Have you been out back lately—the memorial garden, the medicine wheel, the gardening plots. It is just amazing and beautiful! And if that is really not your style, and talking to unknown friends is something you can’t stand, then lead someone to one of our members who does like to talk to folks. There are plenty of them here too. But above all take that minute to make a connection. Don’t let anyone leave here thinking they weren’t noticed and valued for their presence. I’m almost sure most people who are here are not attending because they want to be left alone.
We were very fortunate to raise our children at St. Vincent de Paul Church downtown. It is a very liberal Catholic church, we called ourselves the boat people
because we all come from somewhere else to attend that church. And Vince will tell you that the thing that made the biggest difference to him is that the adults there noticed him. They stopped and talked to him. They cared about him when he was 10 and when he was 15 and even when he goes now, people just love to see him. You know this is how I hope everyone of our young people feel, and all our new members feel and each of you feel.
So let me tell you a story:
A couple of months ago, things were pretty shaky at work and it looked like the elderly woman wouldn’t be able to stay in her house anymore and I thought I would lose my job. I remember calling our son Vince and saying to him. I might lose my job. I’m scared, I’m freaking out. You know I had prayed for this job and I got it. But you know I only asked God for enough money to get us through the two college graduation trips for you and your brother to Colorado and Vermont, and that happened so maybe now this is the end of it. And Vince paused and he said: God will always give you more than you asked for.
What a profoundly hopeful thing to say. God will always give you more than you asked for. Of course that can also go the other way and more pain and suffering can come to you than you ever asked for but this time it was so positive.
And I think that this is the essence of the Whole Hearted Journey that Brene talks about. Feeling uncomfortable, feeling vulnerable, yet reaching out for a connection. This time with Vince, someone who is trustworthy of hearing my story. I was letting him hear my fears.
I wish that for all of you. A real safe connection with someone (not a tribe of friends) but just a someone that can hear your pain and vulnerability and discomfort and fears and say I’m all in. I’m here for you. Tell me more.
You know that is kind of countercultural. We are so busy with our phones and our pads and our earbuds, even in front of those we love. And therefore all the technology is making us less connected.
Brene Brown says: The Wholehearted Journey is not the path of least resistance. It’s the path of consciousness and choice.
And one of the things we have a choice about is the messages we send.
For example: Some of the things I heard growing up were:
But the messages I want to send to those I love are:
I have learned many things in my years as a teacher, a mom and a tutor. I have learned that it is those little things we say to the young children, to our teens and to the older folks that get remembered. It is the little acts we do. It is the hug and the smile and the time we take with each other. That is the connection that is a Whole Hearted Journey.
In closing I want to tell you one more thing Brene Brown says: The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly. To practice courage, compassion and connection is to look at life and the people around us and to say I’m all in.
Thanks for letting me share.