Fatherhood and Manhood

When I was growing up in my parents home the concept of manhood was well defined. Many times I heard the phrases, "Be a Man about it!", "Act like a Man." "Are you a Man or a mouse?", and "You'll be a man some day, then you will understand." I saw the ads telling us what men are supposed to do. My father acceded to these concepts, but he never directed any of the above remarks or stereotypes to me. He was strong when he needed to be strong, he was opinionated in the fashion of the times. He did not show much regard or consideration for people who chose to be ignorant or unthinking. He was logical and expected the results of natural consequences. He did not much rely on divine intervention. He was a man who I loved beyond my understanding throughout his entire life.

So the concepts of manhood were pretty clearly defined by the advertisements, talk among my peers, the hormones raging through my body, and the image that I had of how I wished to appear. My father had very little influence on the ads, my peers, or my hormones, but he sure weighed in on the image of who I wished to be. As I have stated before from this pulpit, kids do not really have a choice as to who to aspire to become. They have their parents and that's pretty much it. If they do not have parents, then the road is much, much rougher. That is why it is so important for men (and women) to be fathers whenever it is needed.

I realize now that my dad showed me who I should become in a very oblique fashion. Sitting me down and saying, "Now Robert, this is what you should do" would not have worked. I wonder if it ever works unless the preparation for the direct method of instruction is already laid.

What I realize now is that I formed the image of what I would become by the examples provided to me by people whom I thought were important. I have many memories of my dad and what he did. He worked very hard to support his family of six. He was a machinist and when times were good he worked 10 hours a day for six days. (Song?) I remember sitting on his lap after he would come home from work and resting my head against his chest. His heart would go thump-thump, and I would count the beats and wonder what number was being meted out, and, in a light-hearted fashion, I wondered how many were left. The smell I remember was a mixture of sweat and oil. It was a good smell. A safe smell. We never knew hunger; we never knew fear (except when he was angry); we were encouraged to wonder about the world and our place in it. And, in more subtle ways we were taught to make things better for ourselves, our kids, and any children we chose to parent.

My concept of manhood was only colored by the phrases of the times. I oft times wanted to get puffed up about things, and my father would let me and was amused. I often judged myself against the failure of others and he made me aware of the value of recognizing your own mistakes. However, the fundamental precepts upon which I built my concept of manhood was the concept that my father placed inside my head by the example of the man he was. It was simple and direct and it applied to each of his children differently. We recognized that he felt that he was intrinsically no better than anyone else, and that, in the end, you are what you make of yourself.

Now, the concept of manhood has taken some serious hits over the past thirty years, mostly because of the inaccuracies in its own belief structure. Men, or more correctly the concepts associated with being a man, were generally assertive, egocentric, domineering, insensitive, and, as a consequence, immature. When women were moved to assert themselves against the injustices that resulted from decades of men developing into the concept of men prevalent at the time, many mistakes were made. But that's a whole other sermon. However, the point to be made from this is that the pendulum has been pushed as far to the women's side as it was skewed to the men's side thirty years ago. Many improvements have been made in recognizing women as whole individuals, but I'm afraid the pendulum has started back. Men need to become skilled at things that will make them better people and they do not need to relearn the egocentric, aggressive, domineering, and insensitive character of the past. In general men have made some strides, but not nearly enough to entrench themselves in a healthy mindset required to keep the pendulum from swinging nearly back to where it was when I was a child.

Certainly to be a good man one must first be a good person. So, personal qualities play as a basis for becoming a man. I believe there are intrinsic differences between men and women. It would be a waste of resources to make two varieties of the same species identical. However, I am hesitant to make a list of those differences, since I am aware, too, that it would be a critical error within those species to not have a duplication capability that could compensate for deficient character traits when required.

So to be a good man, first become a very good person, and then learn from those who love you and fill in the rest, allowing your nature to filter the messages and your development. But, to be a good father requires much more. First , it does not matter if you have any children. Fathers can be childless, teachers, doctors, machinists, trash men, and, yes, even physicists can be great fathers. So, first you become a good person, then you become a great man by filling in and practicing those special parts of you that make you the man you are best at being, and then you extend yourself and give yourself away until you feel that there is nothing left. You give it every day. You give it with splashes of love and joy. You give it without hesitation, but you give it with an intent. You give it so that the person receiving your gift of you realizes that there is obligation imbedded in the gift. The obligation is that they take your gift and become better than the giver.

If you do these things, I believe that you will be the best Father you can be, you will also be the best man you can be and you will be the best person you can be. In addition, shortly after you feel as if you have given the last of your worth and that there is nothing left, you will find that a new compartment has grown within you. You will find that that compartment is filled with 100 times the value that you have just given away. This is the promise of my Grandfather, This is the promise of my Father. This is the promise I make to my Children. This is the promise I make to my grandchild, Karina.

My Father has been dead for three years. I grieve him still, and will for a long time. But he is not gone. He lives in his children, his grandchildren, and his great grandchildren. He lives in the communities he helped to build. He lives in the children who play in the park he helped establish. He lives as much today as when he held my hand crossing the street. But I cannot smell the sweat and oil, or hear the thump-thump of his heart anymore. You see, those I had to pass on to the ones I love.